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HAPPY TO BE MORTAL

I am so very happy that I’m not immortal. I just can’t seem to fight my nature of helping and forgiving people, even those who don’t deserve it. I can see it now. Civilization is gone. All my friends and loved ones are gone. All that’s left is the cockroaches and me going out of my way to save the cockroaches.

SHE, WHOM I LOATHE

No more eggshell walking. My aunt (no names), whom I live with (not by choice) is a self-entitled, abusive, manipulative alcoholic, drug addicted sociopath who will never-ever change. I do what I can to keep her from snapping at random such as offering big and small favors as well as inconvenient compromises, but when you mix drugs and alcohol the way she does, you never have any idea which personality is coming home. It could be the overly sensitive crier who makes everything about her… including the deaths and pain of others, the rage-filled psycho who throws things and punches at people, or the one who strolls in just before dawn and rummages through the fridge like a peckish rat, leaving all the containers wide open before passing out into a deep coma it takes physical trauma to wake up from. I literally had to jab her in the thigh with my fist the other day to make sure she got up for work. This was after 15 minutes of shouting in her face and shaking failed. The guy from her work who showed up to give her a ride looked very unhappy. Actually, he looked downright irritated. I do so much for her. I talk and listen to her when she’s upset and in one of those rare states where she might be able to listen to my advice, I give her shoulder and foot rubs when she asks, which is no easy task since she’s built like a freak’n lumberjack. Hell, everyone I do this for compliments me and asks if I have a license to do it professionally. I put up with some really horrible things she says, and she’s even physically attacked me on more than one occasion. One time was because I stepped in to defend my mother who she had on the ground and in tears. There are things I’ve done for her on a regular basis I won’t get into that as it could land me in hot water. Media related stuff. No details. She has done things for me in the past, but always very small things with some kind of a price tag attached to it, which was so not worth the price. For example, she’ll pay for food on occasion (rarely ever my choice) and then expect me to forgive all the crap she’s done up to that point and get pissed when I failed to practically lick her fucking toes in thanks. There is so much more I could tell you, but you’d think I was exaggerating, which I wouldn’t be. Anyone who knows her could vouch for all this as well as the things I refuse to say. My aunt may prefer that I not share anything, but she can go to Hell. I owe her a few punches and some very cruel words, but certainly not my silence. I don’t even see her as female anymore. Just a disgusting, vulgar, cruel person who is far luckier than she will ever know. She likes to think that she’s better than me because she has a job… for as long as it’ll last, but if that was all it took to be a decent human being, the world would suck even more than it does now. I’m far from perfect, but the last thing I’ll ever be is maliciously cruel to those who do good things for me. Soon, I will have a job and a place of my own. Then, I won’t have to worry about her anymore. I am worried about my mother though. She’s planning on selling the house soon and getting her own place, but until then, anything can happen.

To those of you who talk to my aunt and see this, know that my mother has no part in what I’ve said here. I hope you keep that in mind when you decide to blab. These are my words and my words alone. If you know my aunt, you know she’ll assume she had some part in this and will go after her too. Yes, they also have problems, but that is their business. This is mine and I have every right in the world to share whatever I damn well please. I do not owe her anything and don’t require her good side for support of any kind. As far as I’m concerned, from now on, she is simply a seriously unpleasant co-tenant I need to avoid until I move out.

PENDING PANIC ATTACK

I’m feeling really nervous. Things have been so great for me since the start of the year and since this is about the time everything usually falls apart for me, I can’t help but me extremely paranoid and fearful. The last time things were going this well, my reputation was completely destroyed by a handful is horrible people with far too much time on their hands. Since then, even things which might be innocent put me on the defensive. Today, two of my best friends, who I work closely with on something that means the world to me had a meeting with two others, one of which runs the same type of business we run together. I wasn’t informed. I found out via a Facebook wall post. I sent a message to one of them, asking him about this meeting and despite seeing the message, I’ve received no response. This just makes me worry even more. I feel like I’m going to have a panic attack. It might be nothing, but it seems very suspicious to me.

OVEN FIRE IN THE HOUSE

Well, I just had enough excitement to last me the rest of the month. I was about to post a funny quote I heard earlier today when I smelled smoke. I opened my bedroom door and *WOOSH*. Smoke. Lots of it. Someone left a pizza box in the oven last night and forgot to take it out before pre-heating. I ran downstairs, let the dog outside (I forgot the cat and feel like shit about it), ran all over the place, opening windows and then went to find the fire extinguisher, but I was panicking and couldn’t find it. Then I ran back upstairs to get my cell phone so I could call the fire department and my mother. Half-way up the stairs, I almost passed out from breathing in all the smoke and I could barely see. I then ran outside to make the calls. They suggested that I go to the hospital, but I really don’t want to. If I just take it easy, I should be fine. My chest still hurts though. If I still feel crappy later, I’m going. Thankfully there is no smoke damage, but I’m going to have to wash my clothes and bedding again. I just did it yesterday. I’m burning incense all over the house to get rid of the smell. If I wasn’t home, it could have been very bad. The dog and the cat would be dead and most of our stuff could have been destroyed. I almost went out today, but I didn’t feel like it for some reason. We’re most likely getting a new stove, because this one has just about had it. Looks like we’re eating out tonight.

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